No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
windsor, ontario is like a poor man's amsterdam
no, it is just poor
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
