PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
