i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
worst night to have a conscience
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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