Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
