i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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