she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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