Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
