FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
