There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Randomize
