to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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