I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
