He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Randomize
