i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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