I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
