bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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