My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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