I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
