you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
