he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
