I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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