apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
