my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
