either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
