my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
