i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
