i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
