why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Randomize
