I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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