new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
