It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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