remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
