You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
