There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
