I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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