WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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