Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
