I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
