He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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