the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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