And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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