i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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