The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
