Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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