i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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