if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
