I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
My butt remains clenched, sir.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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