I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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