2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
