life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
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