im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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