Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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